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Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.
20 most recent entries

Date:2008-01-13 21:45
Subject:You remind me of home.

in a suburban town with nothing to do, patiently waiting for something to happen...

I love this place. I'm twenty years old and every crack of every road holds a memory in it's opening. Every season has it's own smell. Not like it would smell or taste anywhere else. It's unique to the places I have memorized or the images I have stained on a scroll that wraps around my entire heart. It's people are beautiful and they'll probably never be as good in a place where I'm foreign. It's boys are passionate and adventurous. It's country roads are taken for granted. Even the buildings feel different walking in from a hot summer day. The broken places that I've called beautiful and the way I've managed to mend them all from inside will never change.

Scars from prickly bushes remain from drunken nights under the stars, traversing (stumbling) through wide open fields, holding my best friends hand, catching six shooting stars from the time you open the bottle of beer and not exceeding the last unnecessary drink, wiping tears off eachothers face and with each a long lost love or maybe even just a memory funny enough to make your stomach hurt or your eyes water from laughing so hard. Knowing off the top of your head the places everyone goes when they're lonely. It's so easy to run into you there. Nights spent eating frozen pizza and drinking 40's in the designated apartment where we shared a year of everything we've ever felt and then waved it goodbye and turned the lock. Empty cabinets. Maybe a bottle of wine and a jar of peanut butter, but neither ever went bad.

Long drives in the country with boys who know exactly which song you want to hear. They sing to you, ruffle your hair a little bit. Everybody has their secrets. Evenings spent on the curb outside of your work, long after the doors have been locked. Lighting cigarettes with the cigarette before it and shaking on an adventure. First, the oasis. Second, the symbol. Driving down each road (of course we know every curve) screaming songs with our hands out the window. Air is sticky, summer wet and sometimes we hardly know the words. But Ryan Adams guitar solos: always. Sitting on the hood of the car eating a pint of icecream in the grocery store parking lot. Two A.M. Winters spent all locked up inside Spring Garden, having enough coffee to make you puke. Dance parties in the living room or someone buying you the most beautiful, decadent cupcake when you're feeling sad. But the stars...ah.

Falling into the best sleep of your life on your best friends couch, a little tipsy and nobody lying next to you, but you're never alone.

All of you will always know me best. It breaks my heart.

It goes to show-
When people grow, people go.

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Date:2007-06-04 04:00

They can all see your knees buckle when she walks into the room and it's all hers. Everybody knows that nobody has cracked you like only she can. Once upon a time you were everything all of the time and now you're just hers. She wraps you up in sheets and calls it a fort just like she can make you feel six again. With that flashlight that beamed off bare kneecaps and illuminated every part of her you'd ever wanted to see. Twisting around in the white mass, taking breaks to hear breath and heartbeats, to talk about the color of the house you grew up in. Amidst it all she managed to make it feel like a cave. No openings to reveal a sky full of dangling clouds, a canopy of them. No sun to break through to warm your shoulders and you couldn't care less. A cave is the perfect place to be. The streetlights and the city nights were longer gone than the feeling in your toes. Numb by little kisses and the blinking of eyelashes. She spent an hour kissing you in the only places she could reach from where she lay. She's got you figured out halfway and it drives you mad. All the while, it makes you even crazier about her. She knows your smiles and defintions by heart. The kind of smile where you're grinning and walking away stands for nothing. She realizes that you pretend like it stands for everything. Only until your teeth break free in the middle of her kiss does it mean anything at all.

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Date:2007-02-22 01:37

When you wake in the morning, all the naughtiness and evil passions with which you went to bed have been folded up small and placed at the bottom of your mind and on top, beautifully aired, are spread our your prettier thoughts, ready for you to put on.

g'night, babydoll.

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Date:2007-01-22 11:22

Take us apart and put us back together right, so we can leave on our feet in the night.

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Date:2006-11-14 16:40

i have re-entered the realm of being a single woman.

confusion ensues.

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Date:2006-11-07 19:09

Please start loving where you stand. Please start exploring, searching, and dangling your feet over bridges above the interstate. Please go out and find, do not complain. When you think you've found everything, drive a little farther in the other direction. When you think you've found everything by then, get out of the vehicle and pay attention to all the things you're stepping on. Even then, sit in a place where you've sat so many times and forget not the weather on your skin. Please start learning to love the roots that have you by your ankles. Please be adventurous, please be hopeful. Please smile when you wake up and please start loving things. Rockford is home. Maybe not a permanent place of residence, but home.

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Date:2006-10-29 02:02

Someone. Say something insightful. Please.

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Date:2006-10-18 13:40

Something isn't right here.

Okay, so everything isn't really right at all.

Please, I miss you so much. Please. Change your mind.

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Date:2006-10-05 19:16

1. You bring me new light. You supplement my happiness and the adventure between us is endless. You help me escape from reality to the extent where we can just be living, and just us. You make me smile and the bond between us is incredible. This is the real thing, and I don't know what I'd do without you.

2. I'm uncomfortable being honest with you. I wish I knew how I felt but I don't. I'm a foolish, finicky girl and I'm unstoppable. You care about me and I can tell. As much as it as appreciated, it is feared. I am crazy.

3. You make my heart smile. The flame will never go away, but we will never have eachother. Nobody knows about it except us, and nobody ever will. You epitomize old memories and the good ol' days. You will never change, and it is beautiful.

4. We have fallen far from what we once were. You are still amazing, and you are still you, but people change. I never thought it would happen to us after years and years of such close friendship, but it was the inevitable. I know we will always be a part of eachothers' lives, but I think that what we once had is beyond repair and I do regret that. Your heart is one of a kind, and I love you forever.

5. I'm sorry for the way I treat you sometimes. I'm sorry that it never amounted to anything. It should have. We could have been something wonderful but it was at the most inopportune time of my life. You're a wonderful friend, and that will never change.

6. I'll remember you until the very end. You showed me how to feel beautiful, and you respected my sense of adventure and my crazy antics. We were short, and I wish it could have really come to be something wonderful, but our paths weren't crossing. I'd do it all over again, just to kiss you and feel just a fraction of how beautiful that moment really was. You'll forever be a staple in my heart, you'll forever have a piece of me. No kiss, no boy, no love story will never be quite the same. We owned that moment.

7. I want you to love me. I want you to share these adventures with me and experience life the way I see things. I want to show you the world the way I look at it and I want to hear everything you say about it. You are family, and I just want you to love me. I want to grow with you and have that unbreakable connection the way it's supposed to be. One day.

8. Sometimes I hate you more than others. Sometimes I love you all too much. You drug me down only to beat me up and seal it with a kiss. I'll always forgive you, I'll always be at your beckoning call. There have been far better after you, and were far better before you, but life will never let go of you. Even when I don't care anymore, is when you start to. For everything I have learned, I love you, and nothing more.

9. Please, please, stop going out of your way to hurt my feelings. I loved him and for that you should have been proud. I will always be convinced you were a fraction of the downfall, I will always be convinced that you find ways to spite me. I think you're a wonderful person and I want so badly to be your friend now that it's gone. Please.

10. I hate you.

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Date:2006-10-04 18:31
Mood: satisfied

Yesterday the sun was setting all kinds of yellows and the clouds in the sky looked like ribbons. Today was cold and called for a jacket. This could only mean one thing.

It's October. It's totally October. This year has gone by so quickly in so many ways and has been more than memorable than almost any other year. I found something in myself within the past twelve months that nobody can damage. I can't quite explain what I've found, but I'm only thankful to have found it. So many wonderful things have happened to me. A year ago this month David and I broke up which means a two years ago this month we started dating, which means two and a half years ago we met. I'm so thankful to have made a wonderful friend and met so many wonderful friends through that relationship. It just seems impossible that this much time has gone by. It seems impossible that I was who I was two and a half years ago. If I can make sense of this I will. It's strange to get to a point in your life where three years ago I was actually a person. When you're fifteen, you can't think about how much of a person you were when you were twelve. Whether or not it makes sense, it somehow begins a phase of realizing that I'm in the stages of really finding out what I've come to be and it's beautiful.

My friends are my heroes. They keep me the happy girl I like to think I am. Whether it's air-guitaring some Ryan Adams or stealing window sticks from the Illinois rest stop, everything we do is wonderful.

School has been a breeze so far, but I need to try harder. I've accomplished something as far as I'm concerned, considering I haven't dropped out yet.

I'm emotionally torn between the love the different seasons have offered me. Summer swallowed me whole, and fall feels just fine. It's hard to shake a feeling, but my heart is bigger than I give it credit for. Thank you for the clouds that swallowed the moon that night. Thank you for what you said. I promised to never forget, and I never will. Thank you for showing me all the ways my heart could beat.

I have a wonderful boy in my life who captures beauty that he doesn't know he posseses. He puts up with my nonsense and he loves it all at once. For the pure fact that he can stand me, I think I should probably keep him around. It feels wonderful to feel this pretty.

October is good to me. It always has been.

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Date:2006-09-15 01:36
Subject:There is no face here.
Mood: indescribable

I'm writing this as an attempt to illustrate my feelings but there is absolutely no way I could be accurate. I can't stop living. No matter what I do. Everything always has to be so god damned beautiful and I'm trapped. Thank God. I've fallen in love with the pain in life as well as the beautiful things. Heartbreak sweeps me off my feet and love puts me on the floor. I am unstoppable, and I love the way my own hair looks on the pillow at the days end. Especially when it's still morning and I'm falling backwards into sleep. I've become obsessed with being an unknowing yet accepting creature. I don't know why things happen when they do and I'm glad for it. Reading books in the sunshine under a tree while it smells like fall could quite possibly become a habit I'm not willing to break. I'm obsessed with the people around me, even the dreadful ones. The ones who make it difficult for me to be so fabulously happy are the ones I cherish the most of all. They are fragile and they are beautiful. If I could stand insects I would crush a handful of butterflies and then I'd plant a tree to make up for it. I would feel guilty, but goodness, it'd be something to write home about. I love writing down the things that hurt. I like to jot down the way we looked between kisses, and the way we could have looked between other ones that will never happen. I'll put the memories in color coded jars and I'll seal them away for a sad day. I enjoy when my polaroids don't turn out. As quick as they appear faceless for someone else, I've created an entirely different image. I tuck them away and I never forget what they look like. I enjoy the thoughts that I feel when I'm alone at work and I lean on the register and stare across the store. I love the way I want to crawl into the pages of a thousand novels and take memorable naps; each one leaving me with a fragment of a well written story. I will wake up and walk on, as is life. Our bodies are symmetrical. I hope at the end of my life I have someone to write to. I will write them "thank you." It will be a damn beautiful card.

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Date:2006-09-12 12:58
Subject:Trains, Planes, and stupid fucking boys.
Mood: nauseated

I feel sick so much to the point that I want to really puke about this. I'm sick of myself. I feel like I have two different personalities. The happy blogger exploited to the world and the sad livejournal nobody really sees.

Ryan has stopped returning my phonecalls and answering my messages. I give up on men. I give up. I don't know where I went wrong. All he ever told me was how elated he was to be around me and now it's been two weeks since he acknowledged me. Even after I feel like I ripped out a tiny piece of my heart like I owed it to him. "You're safe in my arms," says he.

I won't buy it anymore.

I'm almost done with "Nine Stories" and it really is such a great book. I want to smash everything together and make it make sense.

Kind of a legitimate analogy for my pathetic life.

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Date:2006-08-10 02:02

The heart feels rattled up like a boquet of wilting lilacs
trapped in another frequency, safe in another set of arms.
The clouds have only swallowed the moon whole
holding him in tiny cradles, pretending to forget the sunlight.
A cigarette to tell us, "our time is up here"
and a heart left beating for a pre-emptive goodbye kiss.
We'll toast to the crooked roads and our luminous smiles
while your hand makes its home in my ribcage, with your sincerity wrapped around my idle heart.
She's yours for the taking, she's yours.

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Date:2006-08-08 23:13

My heart has found a home again. A real one.

It may be temporary, but nonetheless, I can't stop smiling.

I'm scared, and I can't show how weak I really am. Everything he said, my heart jumped at, and every move he made caused a shiver down my spine. Everything was so perfect last night and I seriously wish my skin was feeling the same thing it was feeling. Even the wind was accurate and the music was beyond perfect.

We jumped into the backseat of his car and wound up there for at least two hours. Sigur Ros looped the stereo and he told me loved how it felt being close to me. I told him my heart was beating fast and he told me it was okay. He told me he was scared, I told him not to be, even though I'm scared too. He put his arms around me and we took turns nodding off into little sleeps and kissing eachother. Everytime I sat up and looked at him he would say "come here" and cradle me down into his chest, and it felt so wonderful. It made me melt. He couldn't stop, and I couldn't stop. He told me he was going to dream about me. He pulled me up to his chest so I could see out of the window and the clouds looked like they were swallowing the moon. He said "Just remember that if the rest of ours lives are fucked up, we had this moment."

We seriously owned that moment.

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Date:2006-08-07 04:07

Okay, I'm seriously not kidding this time.

There's a boy, and I'm crazy about him.

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Date:2006-07-24 19:47

I've never been what I was surrounded by.

I was never that in highschool.

Quit talking about it that way.

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Date:2006-07-22 01:16
Subject:I'd say I'm not a wreck, but you've never said it better.
Mood: sad

I'm the only girl stupid enough to be sad about a boy whose hand I've never held. I should've known I would've never had the pleasure, yet here I am, sulking. Because in my mind it was going to be this cute little story about how we got together and couldn't keep our hands off of eachother. In my mind, he thought the same thing, but really all along I knew I was just something to pass the time.

I'm worn out on being someone who passes time for other people. I'm tired of being the hotspot for when the "spouse" isn't available. I'm tired of being tired of it. I'm at this point and I give up.

My thoughts are racing entirely too fast right now, and I need to put them down, I'll try my best.

I'm in the weirdest position ever. I miss love more than anything in the world, but I've gotten myself too scared to even get into any kind of relationship (had one presented itself, yeah right) anyway. I'm paying for school myself this semester, which is a big deal. I'm scared. I'm scared of growing up and realizing that I either have to do it, or that I'm just going to suck at it in general. I'm scared that if I get into a relationship I'll lose any of the small focus I've built up for myself and be so worried about spreading my time and energy too thin between two people. If that makes any sense whatsoever. At the same time, I miss the encouragement, I miss having someone to hug and telling me they have faith in me, and someone who wants to hear my problems/happiness because they love me, not because they have to.

Lately I've felt insecure. I've never been that way before. I've never cared, I've always had the boyfriend that made me happy [enough] and nothing has ever really stopped me from getting what I wanted, but lately...I just feel terrible. I feel desperate and needy. I feel insignificant and petty, I feel dumb. I feel like I never catch anyone seeing me from the corner of their eye. I feel like I'm stuck in couple hell constantly. I feel so alone. Tis the season for relationships, and yet again, I am here. I seriously feel like I am the only lonely girl in this city, which makes it worse. I've been spending too much time alone and I don't love it like I used to. I have earfulls of my friends relationships, which doesn't bother me, but I would be a rotten liar if I said I don't miss starting sentences with, "My boyfriend..."

Is it legitimate for me to end this topic with the idea that I just want to be held?

So sue me.

David's birthday was today so I called him. He'll never know how terrible I feel and how much I feel like everything was my fault. I've come to this realization as of late. Maybe I've just been overanalyzing everything, spending too much time thinking, whatever. Regardless, I just feel like I was so immature and everything was so unresolved. He was going through a period in his life were he was growing up and I was going through a period where I thought I was stuck in the middle of everything. I know we both had our own faults, and I know that he's a wonderful friend and it was never meant to be, but sometimes I just get to feeling really terrible about how dreadful of a person I was, and despite "fate," I wish I just could've done better. Point blank. I guess it may be because I see everyone else doing something great. I'm so thankful and happy that he's happy...he's dating the coolest girl, and he has a really great job, finally got out of town...and oh, I don't know. I guess I just feel like one of those bad dads or something. When the dad is terrible and gets a divorce from his wife for whatever reason, and the the savior step-dad comes to save the day. I'm ridiculous, I know. But I just...need to stop rambling about this subject.

Work is about the only thing that seems really great right now. It's pretty relaxing for the most part and you pretty much get to do your own thing. It's a nice atmosphere and I really love it.

I'm just so damn scared of everything and everyone.

I found out yesterday a certain someone is working at Chili's. I don't even feel like saying the name anymore. I don't care that he works there, but the thought of him being in a circle of people that are still somewhat involved in my life/dangling makes me sick to my stomach. It makes my heart hurt in a seriously physical way and I just wish I could explain it to you.

Wherever I was going with this, I'm done. Right now I just feel like puking (and maybe crying) in the toliet.

I hate this "me" and if we all cross our fingers maybe it won't be around for too much longer.

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Date:2006-07-19 03:30
Subject:If you think it's about you, it's not.
Mood: lonely

Trying to tell me something here
in this place
All of your demons rest
in my space

I dreamed last night
you and I were there
old and gray
Holding tight
you were always so

But I can't touch you where you are
There you stood dressed up like Nebraska
Plain as day

It's being in the dark that makes me so
It's the feeling of a sort that just won't
stay inclined enough

I could see your eyes tonight
somehow try to set it right
I could change your mind to see this.

But I can't touch you where you are
There you stood dressed up like Nebraska
Plain as day

I can't touch you where you are
There you stood dressed up like Nebraska

I want so much for him to be the one holding me.

I'll never have it, but I can want it so much.

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Date:2006-07-12 01:31

quick recap:

I went skinny dipping last night. I love my friends they're wonderful. I was sober. Now I am not.

I'm alone and drinking Malibu & Pepsi. Disgusting. Who does this? My driveway is calling my name and so is my pack of cigarettes.

I'm a lonely son of a bitch, but at least I'm happy.

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Date:2006-07-08 11:23
Subject:I can't sleep, I can't dream tonight.

I hear he's in jail. I heard a long time ago, actually. Three times I've sat down to write him a letter that gets about two pages long before I fall asleep or wrinkle it up and toss it out of embarassment. I'm only sure I don't know him for who he really is. I'm sure that he put on a beautiful facade and I only think about what he's worth face value. But all the times we wanted to dance can't ever slip my mind. It makes me sick. There is another love interest in my life these days. He's from a little town called Glenwood, Iowa right outside of Nebraska. One night, he called me and said, "I just want you to know I'm in Omaha in front of saddle-creek records and it made me think of you."

I just said,"Thank you dear, but I'm already writing a letter to Omaha."

I'm starting to wonder if my life is just one big coincidence. And all the aspects of every single one get together and giggle.

One day it'll be a city where my heart is though, and I have a feeling my life has led up to it. How manic.

I am thinking, perhaps, that those pensive smiles of mine were something like "feel good fashion." But they do feel good. This sickness is like nothing I have doted on before. A disease that hurts your eyes, like squinting in between the lines. You were not real, but you had potential. And had I promised it to you, I would've taken the ridiculous hours of weight on my shoulders into consideration just to persuade your evenings there. The totally normal but unusually immense amount of codiene and nyquil is really not as effective, as was the drug I call anticipation that you pumped through my veins. I promised to mainstream it, anyway. I suppose I am just a woman of my word. Had I not, would I be here? Only to know you. Which I cannot seem to stray my thoughts away from. Your beautiful potential. Your lovely wife to be. I'm but a fool to trust my heart to text and lovely conversation. Your anxiousness seemed to correlate with the effort I put into seeing you in my arms one day soon. Blood rises to my brain, but I cannot find even a scarce amount of awkward anger to juggle your adoration with. Reasons? I have none. This is, and will always be, the obstacle between you and I. Carelessness. I would have loved you enough. It was my intention to persuade your skin and kiss your lips whole like you had never felt them. Had you given me a night, I would have made you the reality that never was. I think one day I will go to Nebraska, to sleep on a park bench in your city. To dream that I sleep and I actually dream. So in a sense I would want to wait. Until the ring fits right, or the pigeons flock my dreams on that bench. This city knows me by name, and I can't help lusting after anything new or brilliant. I think, by chance, you were just that. I could fix it, I say. And in the shadows lurks your quiet stereo and a pile of photographs. A compilation of the songs to which we never danced. But we will, in dreams, if not on a quiet winter night in this starstruck city. And until the day, so sleep the dollhouses in compromise with our listless fantasies and our quiet, inexpensive motel room. The places I would have seen you smile.

And so, we're just back to where we started.

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